Let me start off by saying that I wholeheartedly support the protests over the murder of George Floyd in the USA, I was born in very white rural upstate New York and I saw a lot of racism. America, and the world, are both in desperate need of radical change and I desperately hope that change comes out of this. I commit to doing my part, and I’m not going to virtue signal by discussing in what ways unless I am asked to.
As many of my fans know, in the past I used to do race play as one of many, many femdom genres in cam shows and clips. It started out in requests from Black men on cam, many years ago. I was tentative at first, it didn’t seem right, but I made my career on exploring dark subjects, the taboo, and doing what was “wrong” and “bad” in many people’s eyes. Hell, sex work is known to be taboo, wrong and bad to many, with sex workers as the devil incarnate. I started to get custom video requests for this too.
You see, humiliation is still one of my kinks, both giving and receiving, and how I understand humiliation is on the mental and emotional level. I see most of the fetishes I engage with operate on the psychological dimension, they are usually repressed memories, fantasies and taboos which make their impression often very early and turn into sexual fixations. Humiliation I find to be a particularly cathartic way to release feelings of shame. Domination is a way to release feelings of disempowerment. Masochism is a way to release fear of pain, and so on. In BDSM we play with the dark side and bring out the Shadow (see the work of psychologist Carl Jung on the Shadow) in a safe space with limits and consent. But yes, I did have a little nagging sense of guilt and shame, asking me, is this right? Is someone going to misunderstand my intentions if they see this? I started to put a disclaimer on my clips that it was roleplay only.
I also understand that just because someone gets turned on by something doesn’t mean they are for it in real life. Someone can be excited by race play but outraged when they encounter racism. As a woman whose oldest kink was rape and gang rape fantasy, in no way shape or form would I wish to be raped except as a roleplay situation with someone(s) I trust and who I’ve discussed my limits with. I don’t think I’m wrong for having that fantasy, or that I need therapy for it, but I’m sure my most prevalent fantasy comes out of a sexist society that oppresses women and rapes women, and makes women fear the force and brutality of men. Fear turns itself into an irrepressible turn-on, for many.
I told myself when I was participating in race play, up to 4 years ago that I was no racist, but I was hopelessly unaware of the deep-reaching extent of my white privilege. I thought that a non-racist roleplaying one for Black people to enjoy the taboo exposed in a safe, consensual container was something that was probably psychologically helpful for my customers. Who else could they share an aspect of their deepest pain with, and roleplay situations of racism and shame with but a white person? It seemed to have to be a white person for them, or else it wouldn’t have the same impact and psychological and erotic charge. How else to engage so potently in a way that is totally safe and private? Our subconscious uses eroticism as a way to force us to deal with repressed emotion and look at it. Nothing like something making your dick impossibly hard or turning your pussy into a river for making you give the subject some attention. Through eroticism and roleplay, we can work through toxic shame, a crippling emotion when not seen, heard and dealt with.
I thought this way for many years. Unfortunately, I only started worrying about four years ago it when I decided I wanted to make my career doing something else, as an artist, and I knew a lot of my videos were being pirated. I feared they would be misunderstood out of context, so I took them down, along with other fetishes I came to have a distaste for, for various reasons.
Then, in the years after, on Twitter, I started to see other performers complain about race play videos and argue that it is wrong to ever engage in, even amongst consensual adults. But the argument that white people should never profit off of racism is what made me realize that I would never do racial humiliation again, it really hit me hard and made it sink in why people opposed it and felt it is a tool of oppression and a racist act.
This week, during the widespread protests about police brutality suffered by Black people, another domme found a race play custom video of mine from several years ago on a minor clip site which I forgot to take down, and screenshotted it alongside a tweet I made in support of Black Lives Matter to, apparently, expose my hypocrisy. I admit total culpability for my past actions and my sloppiness in neglecting to remove a handful of videos. I have since deleted them, and made a public statement on Twitter about my feelings on the subject as well as my mindset at the time that I made them, as a Black sex worker confronted me asking why I thought it was OK at the time to do so.
For the time being, I have left some other non-humiliating, but somewhat objectifying videos which do not use the N-word up in which Black men are discussed, such as cuckold videos and videos talking about BBC. All proceeds for such videos which are sold in future will go to support either bailing out protesters from jail or to Black sex workers in need. Due to having a really traumatic and expensive year on the personal front, I can’t afford to donate all funds I have profited off of race play today, but as soon I can afford to, I will tally up how much I’ve ever made off of race play clips and cam shows and donate it, and more, to one of those causes. It probably isn’t as much as you think.
I want to speak directly to my Black fans who enjoy race play, and are maybe feeling some shame about how many think that it shouldn’t be done, saying you need therapy, and you shouldn’t like what you like, and some anger and sadness that their favourite performers are not doing it anymore. I’m sorry that you’re being made to feel more shame on top of the feelings you already feel about living in a racist society. I’m sorry that an outlet for you has been taken away. I truly am, but I can’t indulge the kink anymore with good conscience with the insight I now have. I’m afraid you’ll have to seek out performers who have not yet been enlightened, or less safe performers who don’t care, and who may actually be racist bigots. I encourage you to seek out the former, not the latter. I encourage you to seek it out in private, perhaps with someone who loves you and cherishes you. I encourage you to roleplay this with POC, even if it doesn’t carry the same erotic charge as doing it with a white person does. I encourage you to talk with other Black people about the subject. I do encourage you to do some reflection, maybe even get therapy if you want to, but know that you are NOT wrong or bad for having such desires. It is simply a reflection of the horrible, cruel society we live in that causes you to have such desires and I understand that you like it because it is wrong and taboo, and that it is a release. Sending you love and big hugs! I feel for you having this come up on social media at a time that is doubtless already extra stressful for you.
I also want to say thank you to the Twitter domme who put me on blast on social media about this, and thank you to the Black people who forgave me for making this kind of content and could feel the genuineness of my apology. I don’t expect or deserve forgiveness and it is appreciated when it is freely given. That really touches my heart. I am grateful for the opportunity to do and be better, and to make amends. As much as I fully enjoy humiliating others and dominating and abusing others, I only ever enjoy it when done in a consensual fashion. This applies to when I am being submissive too. I don’t get off on real abuse and oppression. I’m grateful for the chance to reflect on my white privilege and to become more conscious of race issues and the way even those who don’t think they are being racist, in fact are! I was one of those people, I probably still am in ways I don’t yet see, but I’m open to learning. I’m excited to continue my growing process as I’m committed to doing my part to keep rooting out white privilege and white supremacy at its roots and live a more compassionate life by contributing to making our society more just and kind.